Sprkus

Of you live in Columbus, don’t lose your birth certificate. One day you might need it to get a passport.

And that one day you will have to go downtown to the Ohio Department of Health’s Division of Vital Statistics. You’ll have to fill out an application for a Certificate of Live Birth and wait for a full three minutes for somebody to come to the bullet-proof window and take it from you.

Then you’ll be invited to wait until the guy in the window certifies you’ve filled out all the info in the application correctly and approves the sheet. This will happen 10 minutes later.

Once approved, your name will be called. You will be given the approved application and then asked to wait until a guy in a second window calls your name.

Ten minutes later, the guy in the second window will call your name and accept your approved application along with $16.50. You’ll give him a $20 or write him a check and he’ll ask you to take a seat again and wait for your name to be called so he may give you your receipt and any change you may be owed.

Seven minutes later, you will be called back to the second window to claim your receipt and maybe your $3.50. You’ll then be told to sit back down and wait for your name to be called from the first guy you gave the application.

Ten minutes later, you get the copy of your birth certificate and there is much rejoicing.

As an added bonus, over that 40-minute bore fest you get to overhear statements from other waiting room patrons such as “It don’t pay to drink” and “I’m trying to get her daddy’s name on the birth certificate. He’s in jail.”

This is how I enjoyed today’s lunch break. Using the snail mail option to replace your birth certificate is recommended, provided you can afford waiting 3-6 weeks.