Sprkus

I went out to mow the lawn the other day, a job which normally only takes about 20 minutes because my lawn isn’t very big.

It’s nearing winter and I was enjoying the fact that this would be one of the last few times I would have to cut it for the season.

I pull the thing out from the mini shed which is placed awkwardly in the back yard, not quite in the direct center, but not quite pushed to the side fence. I prime it three times, give the chord a crank, it starts, then immediately dies out.

I pull the thing again, nothing.

I prime it three more times, pull the chord, it starts again then dies.

I check the gas, it’s good. I check the oil, it’s a little low, but high enough to where it should still work. Plus, the oil’s clean.

After a few more tries, I know something’s wrong. I decide to go to Lowe’s to buy some more oil.

I fill the oil, give it another shot and nothing. Same problem. At this point I realize I have a real headache on my hands.

I hit my computer to check online for a solution. I peruse Google search results and the Briggs and Stratton Web site, which belongs to the company who produced the law mower’s engine.

The lawn mower’s new, I’ve only used it about 6 times, so I skim past air filter and spark-plug replacement suggestions and find that lawn mowers are apparently very finicky — they only like fresh gasoline. The site suggests only using gasoline which is less than 30 days old.

Mine was three months old.

I decided that must be the problem, so now I had three gallons of three-month old gasoline I had to throw out. But I can’t just dump it on the lawn. And it was in the only gasoline container I owned. So now I have to find someplace to take my old gasoline before I could even get more gasoline.

I check online and and find the official “household hazardous waste” dropoff schedule on the city of Columbus Web site. Through the summer on every couple Saturdays or so they have a dropoff location that they move around Columbus. The problem? It was Monday. The bigger problem? It was Oct. 22. The last dropoff date on the schedule was Oct. 13.

So I call the Solid Waste Authority of Central Ohio to ask them where a permanent household waste disposal location was and the lady who answered said, “That’s a good one.”

After about three minutes on hold, her voice returns to tell me that there is no place in central Ohio to dispose of gasoline until Nov. 17, when they’ll have a permanent location up and running.

People less patient than me would have dumped the gasoline in the street by then.

I went back to Lowe’s for the second time that day, purchased a new gas can as well as some gasoline stabilizer, which you’re supposed to add to your gasoline to keep it “fresh” for up to a year.

As if mowing the lawn wasn’t a big enough pain in the ass, you have to baby your lawnmower more than you would your own, well, baby.

So I take the new gas can, swing by a gas station and squirt some of Riverside Drive’s freshest gasoline into the little red bastard and return home.

I add the stabilizer to the new gasoline, grab a bucket and head out back where my lawnmower is laughing at me.

Now I have to remove the old gas before I put in the new gas. I know of no way to drain it from the bottom, so I decide I’m gonna have to tip the damn thing over.

Now I’m balancing the lawn mower, which is heavier than it looks, upside down like some suburban side show, trying to keep the open fuel hole above a blue bucket so as not to spill the flow of old gasoline.

I acrobatically nail that task and add the new fuel ready to finally cut the lawn, surprised that I was still going to have time to mow before the afternoon’s forecasted rain had started.

I prime, pull and … pissed. The damn thing died out again. And again. And again.

At this point, I was at a loss. I’m still at a loss, actually.

My yard’s weeds grass is already seriously overdue for a cut. And there’s no solution in sight.

As I sit now, a family member or two is supposed to come over and look at the thing. It’s a Bolens by MTD 5.5-Torque 21″ Cut Push Mower (Model: 11A-414A065). It has a Briggs and Stratton engine. The next step according to Web research is cleaning out the carburetor because the old gas may have clogged it up. Good god. I didn’t even know how to spell carburetor.

Now I have to find it, take it apart, clean it and put it back together.

How much is it to just hire a guy to cut the grass?