Sprkus

Andy and I had an NFL adventure Sunday, leaving from Columbus at 7:30 a.m. to drive to Cleveland and watch the Cincinnati Bengals play the Cleveland Browns.

Andy was able to score two tickets from Katie’s cousin and we set off for Cleveland Browns Stadium prepared to watch the Bengals kick the absolute crap out of the lowly Browns.

Neither of us had been to Browns Stadium before so we took the advice of Katie’s cousin, picked up some beer and headed to the stadium looking for some tailgaters instead of just finding a bar.

Prior to the trip, Andy and & decided to wear our Bengals gear despite going to an opposing team’s home field. Even after hearing stories of spectators cheering for opposing teams getting beer, and even urinate, sprayed on them, we decided that the Browns fans weren’t expecting to win the game and therefore would be a little less confrontational.

I wore a Palmer jersey and Andy threw on his Bengals sweater from 1980 something. It’s about two sizes too small, but is hilarious (I’m still trying to get my hands on a photo of us two that’s supposed to be available through ClickChevy.com. Their “street team” took our photo at the event). He was also a few days into growing a mustache for his friend’s bachelor party. That’s just a side fun fact.

We entered the tailgating lot walking right through a 50-car row of all Browns fans. And it started almost immediately.

“What’s up asshole?!? You’re wearing the wrong jersey! You’re an asshole!”

I tried deflecting the insult with a quick “We’re all Buckeyes fans, right?”

He didn’t care.

“So! That’s still the wrong jersey, asshole!”

We moved along.

Three cars later we get, “Hey, your two-year-old illegitimate son wants his sweater back!”

By far the best insult of the day.

We made our way down further and thankfully discovered an area where Bengals fans had set up shop. And joined the crowd to avoid further harassment.

By the end of the day, the final insult score was:

• Asshole: 8
• Hey, your two-year-old illegitimate son wants his sweater back!: 2
• Fag: 4
• Douche Bags: 2
• Kentucky Bengals Fans: 3
• Who Gay!: 1
• Did you hear the news this morning? Carson Palmer came out of the closet: 1 (This one surprisingly from a female)

It was all in fun though. None of it, I felt, was actually hateful or meant to actually cause any harm.

Maybe it’s because we discovered the best way possible to handle drunken foolery when you’re in an opposing team’s venue:

Compliment the shit out of their team.

Here’s an actual example from the day.

“Hey, Palmer (cause I was wearing his jersey), nice game asshole!”

“Man, you guys are playing with some heart. The Browns are playing a hell of a game”

“…”

Remember this. It works wonderfully.

Yes, the Bengals lost, but it was a hell of a game to watch in person. We had a blast. Our seats were pretty high up, but the view was still pretty nice:

And I gotta give it to the Browns fans. With as crappy as the team has been lately, the fans still show up in droves. And cheer like every play is gonna qualify the Browns for the Super Bowl.

For the first time ever.