A woman walked into the University of Michigan Pi Kappa Alpha fraternity house on Thursday, March 22, took off her clothes and started masturbating in the living room while the fraternity members were eating dinner The Michigan Daily reported yesterday.
Nobody saw the woman enter the house. The Pikes speculate she could have entered through the front door which was propped open because it was broken.
Upon noticing the naked woman pleasing herself on one of their couches, the Pikes asked her to leave, which she apparently ignored. They then asked her if she was alright, to which she replied she was fine and at one point had a conversation on her cell phone.
She masturbated for a half hour and left when the Pikes told her they had called the police. She wore a thigh-length black coat as she walked out the door. She was gone when police arrived minutes later.
The woman appeared to be between 20 and 30 years old, had short brown hair and seemed to be on drugs. She said her name was Melissa and she was a student at Eastern Michigan University.
If the Pikes asked her to leave so quickly, she must have looked more like Star Jones than Jenna Haze. However, after being a Pike at Ohio State University, I realize we know only what the guys decided to tell the cops. Which means anything could have happened.
Regardless, the situation sounded like a job for OSU Pike MVP Scott Hickman. I can hear the sex march blaring now.
The Michigan Pikes say they plan to throw out the couch on which the woman was sitting. If their couches were anything like the couches in the OSU Pike house, the real threat is to the woman who sat on one naked, not the rest of the fraternity members. She probably left pregnant and smelling of urine.
In other Pike news, the current members of the OSU chapter have decorated Alpha Rho’s official Web site by inserting photos of themselves in with the founding fathers of Pi Kappa Alpha along the top of the Web site. I’ve saved a shot of the front page here in case the active decide to change it anytime soon. More examples: 1|2|3.
This may or may not anger some alumni, but it made me realize that even though the house is long gone, these guys are taking it more seriously than we would have back in the day.
I think our front page would have looked more like this. With these headers mixed in: 1|2|3|4.
Actually, I think our site would have been way better.
UPDATE (March 28): An unconfirmed photo of the Phantom Masturbator has surfaced:
Hey Rick, Funny stuff. To bad you did not write this well for the fantasy football. Taco
Okay, a fraternity house is COMPLAINING about a female masterbating in front of them………ok I know its been a while since I was in a fraternity, but, isn’t that a semester making experience for some people.
Hey, I’m not judging, just saying
I particularly like the pic of Bell. Nice work. And lets face it, who’s to say that Hickman didn’t INITIATE those masterbatory happenings in some way? In all things perverted or sexually askew I first ask myself: “Where was Hickman?”. That guy is like the Smoking Man in Sexual X-Files. Knowing Hickman he probably even asked the girl before-hand if she “knew what was happening” and “what she was getting into” before handing her a roofie colada spiked with elephant tranquilizer. He probably recorded the conversation in the unlikely event that the police knock on his door. Who controls the Phantom Masterbator? Hickman.